and its a tie. 11.28.

im starting to believe no one actually reads this, nonetheless, i keep writing.

at this point in my life, it feels as if i'm torn. my heart is melting into 2 places. one for him, the witty, cute, charming, and funny one. and one for him, the strong, gentle, open, sweet and caring one. i don't know how it got here. lets give them names. option number 1, bob and option number 2, billy. bob is the one who ive always loved. he has always held a place in my heart, some times more obvious than others. he makes me feel like i'm the sun and the whole world revolves around me. i get butterflies when i see him and i feel like a little girl again. he makes me smile and laugh and feel so warm and comfortable. whereas billy, the feelings have only begun. id say a solid 2 weeks, yet it feels like fire. its burns so bright and engulfs me completely, theres no chance to stop it at this point. its only growing brighter, stronger, fiercer, and more lively. its deeper, more complex. my eyes cant look away and im blown away on what he has within. theyre both such different feelings, i can hardly compare them, as if im 2 different people. living in 2 different lives, with 2 different hearts. sometimes at night i dream of bob, of what we used to have, and how warm and precious his lips would feel on mine. sometimes at night i dream of billy, of what we could have and how i know id make him so much happier than anyone else. i try to decipher it. i try to understand. i try to imagine. i try so hard to figure out what it means to love. it seems so difficult to settle, and yet again, the time issue has effected my thinking completely. its so confusing, deciding which feelings go where. and at this point, its a tie.