brokeness.

just because you're broken doesn't mean you can't be happy. and just because you're happy doesn't mean you can't be broken. i learned this within the past year or so of my life. i accepted the fact that i may have many parts of me that are broken, destroyed, shattered and lost, but i also accepted the fact that i can be as happy as i want to be. and i want so badly, so very badly, to be happy. i want to feel the sweet joys of my life and dance in an infinite field of possibility. i want to kiss with passion, love without pain, smile without faking it, and forgive without difficulty. i so often find myself feeling so empty and unknowing, but i think it's because i knew exactly what was wrong and i knew i could be fixed and it scared the shit out of me. because i may be whole again or i may be some-what normal. i wouldn't constantly struggle with depression or abandonment. i'm not saying i'm willing to change right now and move on or start the journey of my self recovery, but for now, i can sit back, smile, and be as happy as you can be in the state i am in. i may still be lost or confused, but that won't stop me from the love and happiness i have in my heart.

my darling friend;

i've never left your side. i've never let you down, lied to you, deceived you, left you or dishonored your trust. never have i pretended to be something or someone i'm not or try to make you think higher of me. you are now a part of my heart, and have been since 2nd grade. you were my best friend up until recently where you've gotten shadier and won't tell me the truth. you lie to me more than i ever knew you could. i thought i knew you, i thought i knew i could trust you and know you wouldn't lie to me or not tell me these things in your life. instead of trying to get closer so i could help you, all you've done is push me away. i can't help but feel as though these lies are hurting me as much as you. but you need to face reality and stop lying to yourself and everyone else. i love you and wish to welcome you back with open arms, but you have to come out with the truth and let me help you. i really do love you, you were my best friend, now, now i don't know anymore.

hello, my dearest pain.

hello, my dearest pain. here we are, meeting, yet again. i thought i lost you, i thought i shook you off months ago. i thought that the cries of a little girl for her mother night after night,  after i let the blood run the last time, i thought the strength the move gave me, i thought the heartbreaks i endured, i thought they gave me enough pain to last forever. but here you are, yet again, to torture my soul. i do not understand the way you twist me into such a way, not even god can fix. you let him, excuse me, you let them have me. i believed that after making so many mistakes, i was finally doing something right. silly, naive me. i thought he would not lie to me or cheat me out of my own love. i thought his promises meant something. i thought i was good enough for him. but stupid me, for believing i was worth something. anything at all to this world. i try, can't you see it? can you not see my desperate cries for love and the warmth i was once filled with? why can't i be what he wants? what anyone wants? hello, my dearest pain, i see you're here for an extended stay.