i've been better.

this started as a place for my writing, but honestly, i just don't write anymore. i write when i feel those 2 strong emotions; love and brokenness. lately, i've given up on moping around and sucked it up. i need to learn how to move on and grow up. i've also not found someone worth my wasted time. i don't find love anymore, i find lust. i find an outer attractiveness that makes my eyes grow large, filled with a sick craving of a body, not the heart. and i guess that's where i've been going so wrong lately. not caring about my self-image or self-respect, but instead, not caring. giving things up and lowering my standards to feel simply wanted. and it works, of course. everyone loves feeling wanted, it's one of the most powerful emotions in the world. yet, sitting in a situation today, and hearing someone say, 'oh, you're the girl who did stuff with so-and-so? yeah, i've heard about you. that's going around the highschool. hahah, wow.' i can't help but let my heart sink into my stomach and shots of regret and disgust engulf my system. my lungs pump faster and all i can squeeze out of my voice box is 'yeah, that was me.' in a sick sound of tone. i'm not saying i put an end to this at all, as a matter of fact, this phase is only begun for me. i'm finding it easier with each passing guy to tell myself, 'it doesn't matter, it's just one more time.' over and over. putting myself out there and setting myself up for inevitable pain and knowing how fast it's gonna get around, and not even giving a damn. i used to write everyday, i used to have such a passion for words. they were my escape from all of this and kept me in touch with the only sane part of me that has shriveled down so far, it's hard to say i still have a conscience. my point for this rant is i don't even get on here to post my poems of beautiful words, but instead complain about the vicious cycle i've created for myself. this has become my outlet to say whatever the fuck i want. to be quite honest, i don't care if people read this anymore. if you do, don't expect anything, really, except me saying how badly i need change in my life. this is in an essence my journal that you can read from time to time to understand it's not just you. i'm not sure who i wrote this entry to. maybe to my readers, even if i don't have any, maybe to myself, or maybe to nobody. in some way this has relieved me of the sorrow i've been carrying and will allow me to move on with my life in a 'breathe easier' way. so thanks, blogger. you really helped me, help myself.