well.

today isn't a writing day. not feeling it. today is more of a vent day. let's see.. well, first of all, it's been a lot better lately.  things are starting to fall into place a little bit better than i've been used to in a few weeks. i'm finding myself falling more and more into this world around me. losing bits of me i honestly thought i would always have. it's scary, you know? growing up and seeing this sick world we live in. i'm realizing with each passing day, how much i really am affected by all of it. i used to be all talk, but lately, i've learned that sometimes you have to show people that you are more than those words. people expect you to follow through and prove yourself. that's helped me manage my words, it really has. i say things and think, do i really mean that? do i really want to do that? sometimes, the answer is yes. i really do, but for the sake of my self-respect and dignity, i know the answer is no. i'm working on moving forward with my life and better understanding myself. and sometimes the answer is no, and i regret letting those words escape my breath. i know the past is yesterday, the present is today and the future is tomorrow, so i'm accepting my mistakes and using them for changes in my life. i just feel so lost though, i feel like i'm wandering down a narrow path with turns and dead ends with people and place i shouldn't meet or shouldn't be. i feel like i'm doing it all wrong, and i can't wait until i grow into myself. my body, my mind, my curiosities. yet, with each passing year as i find myself a little more, i seem to be getting lost twice as much. i don't know where i am, where i stand, how i feel. i'm just wondering if i can save myself from this all. or someone else can help me discover the right paths. i just need someone to love. something to live for these days, because i'm starting to believe, i'm not worth living for. and that's the scariest part of all.