well.

today isn't a writing day. not feeling it. today is more of a vent day. let's see.. well, first of all, it's been a lot better lately.  things are starting to fall into place a little bit better than i've been used to in a few weeks. i'm finding myself falling more and more into this world around me. losing bits of me i honestly thought i would always have. it's scary, you know? growing up and seeing this sick world we live in. i'm realizing with each passing day, how much i really am affected by all of it. i used to be all talk, but lately, i've learned that sometimes you have to show people that you are more than those words. people expect you to follow through and prove yourself. that's helped me manage my words, it really has. i say things and think, do i really mean that? do i really want to do that? sometimes, the answer is yes. i really do, but for the sake of my self-respect and dignity, i know the answer is no. i'm working on moving forward with my life and better understanding myself. and sometimes the answer is no, and i regret letting those words escape my breath. i know the past is yesterday, the present is today and the future is tomorrow, so i'm accepting my mistakes and using them for changes in my life. i just feel so lost though, i feel like i'm wandering down a narrow path with turns and dead ends with people and place i shouldn't meet or shouldn't be. i feel like i'm doing it all wrong, and i can't wait until i grow into myself. my body, my mind, my curiosities. yet, with each passing year as i find myself a little more, i seem to be getting lost twice as much. i don't know where i am, where i stand, how i feel. i'm just wondering if i can save myself from this all. or someone else can help me discover the right paths. i just need someone to love. something to live for these days, because i'm starting to believe, i'm not worth living for. and that's the scariest part of all.

you've already gone.

a lump rises in my throat.

my voice shakes violently.

i search for the words to explain.

to beg, plead.

'don't leave me'

i long to call after you.

the moment your lips left mine,

that last time, 

i knew.

i knew that it was,

over.

done.

gone.

your blue eyes penetrate,

sear, burn,

my soft hazel eyes.

now filled with a salty tear,

gently brushing down.

down my pink cheeks,

past my numb lips.

onto my chin,

the chin you help as you kissed me.

i can still feel it.

i feel your fingers on my skin.

your lips graze mine.

your eyes gazing at my body.

i can feel your soft skin.

craving for its warmth again.

you're an addiction.

you're beautiful.

i can't help it,

help but want it so badly.

i want you back more now,

more than i have ever.

give me once more,

i can, i promise.

i say.

i scream.

yet my lips don't part,

no words fill the air.

until, you break the silence.

'you're beautiful, you know?'

with one last kiss,

one last sweet breath,

'goodbye gracie.'

you're gone.

i'm lost.

left still enchanted.

enchanted by the sapphire sparkle your eyes hold.

'goodbye.'

i whisper.

to late.

you're gone.

He Shines Emerald.

The infectious emerald eyes gaze deep into my soul, leaving me with heavy, rapid breaths, immediately engulfing my heart. The transparent, jade orbs that lie where his eye should be pierce me with such an unexpected dominance. A shock of cold penetratingly seeps down into my body, as if ice infected my veins. His pale skin stretches across his face faultlessly, showing no signs of a time before now, yet his eyes make contact with mine and sear my soul, begging helplessly to keep gazing into them. I endeavor to glimpse past the array of clear yet intense greens, counting the shades of emerald, yet I’m even more so captivated with each heartbeat. As I struggle to get past the beauty of those mystical eyes, I’m caught; not being able to snap out of the trance-like feeling he’s put me under. His engaging voice invades my ears, allowing his words drape around me like a cover. One word tells a tale of a thousand men, and he keeps me under the magical spell, hanging on to every word as if it were his last. The sandy-blonde hair falls lightly in place across his forehead, and eventually covering up the dangerously tempting eyes that forced me into a surreal world, where beauty is evident and flaws are hidden. He has me awestruck from the first words to break free of his soft lips, without even knowing his name. But he shines so emerald, a thing like that doesn’t even matter.

i've been better.

this started as a place for my writing, but honestly, i just don't write anymore. i write when i feel those 2 strong emotions; love and brokenness. lately, i've given up on moping around and sucked it up. i need to learn how to move on and grow up. i've also not found someone worth my wasted time. i don't find love anymore, i find lust. i find an outer attractiveness that makes my eyes grow large, filled with a sick craving of a body, not the heart. and i guess that's where i've been going so wrong lately. not caring about my self-image or self-respect, but instead, not caring. giving things up and lowering my standards to feel simply wanted. and it works, of course. everyone loves feeling wanted, it's one of the most powerful emotions in the world. yet, sitting in a situation today, and hearing someone say, 'oh, you're the girl who did stuff with so-and-so? yeah, i've heard about you. that's going around the highschool. hahah, wow.' i can't help but let my heart sink into my stomach and shots of regret and disgust engulf my system. my lungs pump faster and all i can squeeze out of my voice box is 'yeah, that was me.' in a sick sound of tone. i'm not saying i put an end to this at all, as a matter of fact, this phase is only begun for me. i'm finding it easier with each passing guy to tell myself, 'it doesn't matter, it's just one more time.' over and over. putting myself out there and setting myself up for inevitable pain and knowing how fast it's gonna get around, and not even giving a damn. i used to write everyday, i used to have such a passion for words. they were my escape from all of this and kept me in touch with the only sane part of me that has shriveled down so far, it's hard to say i still have a conscience. my point for this rant is i don't even get on here to post my poems of beautiful words, but instead complain about the vicious cycle i've created for myself. this has become my outlet to say whatever the fuck i want. to be quite honest, i don't care if people read this anymore. if you do, don't expect anything, really, except me saying how badly i need change in my life. this is in an essence my journal that you can read from time to time to understand it's not just you. i'm not sure who i wrote this entry to. maybe to my readers, even if i don't have any, maybe to myself, or maybe to nobody. in some way this has relieved me of the sorrow i've been carrying and will allow me to move on with my life in a 'breathe easier' way. so thanks, blogger. you really helped me, help myself.

i need therapy.

i'm so lost. i'm so fucking broken beyond repair. these voices in my mind get louder and more painful. they pierce the skin of my fragile heart. i want to cry so badly right now. i can't though. i taught myself i can't cry. i fucking can't show that emotion anymore. i've had people tell me that i can't be weak and i can't be vulnerable or ever have anything wrong with me. i fucking take the weight of everyones problems on myself. they all come to me telling me how fucked up their life is when in all reality it's their own fault. i know my life isn't as bad as the starving kids in africa or the ghetto kids who get raped by their older brothers or anything like that, but my life isn't perfect like you think. i'm so fucking hurt. they can't see the pain by the mask i wear because i wear it so well, they don't know how many times a day i contemplate whether my life is worth it or not. they don't know the first fucking thing about being dropped on your ass, completely left for shit. they don't know the pain of being lonely and unwanted. they don't fucking know how messed up one person has to be to believe they only deserve to be beaten and want that. to want to have someone to hit them if it means that for one minute a day that person just pretends to like them. they don't know the pain of a little girl that won't forget the cries of everything around her and being forced to grow up and never get the childhood everyone else got. they don't understand how deeply scarred i am on my skin and in my heart. why the fuck am i so fucked up? i want to be okay. i want to fucking be okay. please, i'm going insane right now. i'm losing it all inside of my mind. i can't stay like this forever. i need fixed.