hey, guess what? 11.29.

hey, guess what? you make my heart melt.
hey, guess what? i can find the brightest star in the sky, and it doesn't compare to your smile.
hey, guess what? i can find the man with the most money, but that doesn't compare to how rich your eyes are.
hey, guess what? i can find the goddess of beauty and even then you make her look like a peasant in your shadow.
hey, guess what? your who i think of when i watch romance movies and listen to love songs.
hey, guess what? you make my heart speed up so fast, sometimes it forgets to skip a beat.
hey, guess what? i can get lost forever in the heavens of your eyes.
hey, guess what? your voice makes my knees feel like jelly.
hey, guess what? your lips are sculpted as if only and angel should be allowed to kiss them.
hey, guess what? a diamond cant compare to your perfection.
hey, guess what? i love you more than anyone could ever begin to know.
hey, guess what? i look at you, and see not just you, but your heart and soul and your love.
hey, guess what? its okay you dont see me how i want you to, but only because your happy.
hey, guess what? your beautiful.
hey, guess what? your wonderful.
and guess what? your all i will ever need. and so much more.

and its a tie. 11.28.

im starting to believe no one actually reads this, nonetheless, i keep writing.

at this point in my life, it feels as if i'm torn. my heart is melting into 2 places. one for him, the witty, cute, charming, and funny one. and one for him, the strong, gentle, open, sweet and caring one. i don't know how it got here. lets give them names. option number 1, bob and option number 2, billy. bob is the one who ive always loved. he has always held a place in my heart, some times more obvious than others. he makes me feel like i'm the sun and the whole world revolves around me. i get butterflies when i see him and i feel like a little girl again. he makes me smile and laugh and feel so warm and comfortable. whereas billy, the feelings have only begun. id say a solid 2 weeks, yet it feels like fire. its burns so bright and engulfs me completely, theres no chance to stop it at this point. its only growing brighter, stronger, fiercer, and more lively. its deeper, more complex. my eyes cant look away and im blown away on what he has within. theyre both such different feelings, i can hardly compare them, as if im 2 different people. living in 2 different lives, with 2 different hearts. sometimes at night i dream of bob, of what we used to have, and how warm and precious his lips would feel on mine. sometimes at night i dream of billy, of what we could have and how i know id make him so much happier than anyone else. i try to decipher it. i try to understand. i try to imagine. i try so hard to figure out what it means to love. it seems so difficult to settle, and yet again, the time issue has effected my thinking completely. its so confusing, deciding which feelings go where. and at this point, its a tie.

outside looking in. 11.27.

all youve seen is the inside looking out, me telling you about my life. below is something written about me that made me really think. here the outside looking in.


I hate it when you beat yourself up, and apologize for venting.
I hate it when you focus on everybody else and forget yourself.
I hate it when you degrade yourself to the lowest point.
I hate it when you say horrible things about yourself, and actually believe them.
I hate it when you act like everything is okay, when its not.
I hate it when you hold everything inside of you, because its okay to let it out sometimes.
I hate it when you regret the things you do.
I hate it when you blame yourself when everything goes wrong.
I hate it when you feel like you need to have somebody in your life to make you happy.
I hate it when you dont listen to the truth, or choose not to believe it.
I hate all the things you do to yourself. It kills me inside.
Youre one of the VERY few people i can have this concern for.

But, I love you very much.
And will miss you way more than you believe.
Thank you..
For always being there. Staying strong, and supporting me. For being there to give me advise when i asked. For reading my mind, and knowing how to respond.
It has made an incredible impact on my life.

I love you.
And will stand by your side even if nobody else is standing with me.
I will never let you down, just as you did for me.
I promise.

giving thanks. 11.26

Today is thanksgiving. This is my list of people I'm grateful for:


Mom; for holding my hand every step of the journey, keeping me going with your encouraging words, loving me despite my troubles and giving me a life I love.


Dad; for letting me be your little girl, teaching me about the world and people, making me laugh at the most ridiculous things, sharing your knowledge and being there everyday.


Chase; for the secret pact, looking out for me, holding me while i cry, making people look at us crazy when were in public together, and understanding when i come crying about my boy problems, even when you warn me.


Daisy; for never giving up, being the mature one, making me smile everyday, dancing without music, never letting me down, listening and being the mirror to my soul.


Jason: for ticking me when i'm upset, knowing just what to say, being my shoulder to cry on, telling me what i need to hear, believing i can do anything, hugging me close when i need it and making me feel beautiful.

Rachel; for being a mother, keeping me in line, listening to me, talking to me, giving me so much confidence, having our girly sleepovers, and letting me teach you so much.


Emily; for understanding, relating, loving me so dearly, keeping me entertained with your goofy stories, pouring your soul out to me, and letting me pour mine out to you without fear.


Muggin; for staying with me for 3 guys and 2 long years of heart ache and pain, never giving up on me, teaching me about my own self, opening up doors i was too afraid to and never forgetting me. 


Alexis; for telling me like it is, loving me as i come, treating me like a person, showing me i am beautiful, letting me be stupid and immature and talking to me in my darkest times.


Colleen; for letting me teach you, being there since 6th grade, making me feel important, never letting me forget i always have you and loving me.


Joe; for teaching me so much, letting me down so i could grow up, making me feel like shit, only to realize i was better than that and still being friends with me, despite our past.


Josh; for lying to me, forgetting me, making me feel bad, and hurt myself, it made me grow up, letting me pour out to you, and having the most breathtaking smile and eyes so dreamy i swear i get lost every time i see you.


Alex; for being there when i needed someone, for loving me, letting me go only so i could become the girl i am today, never losing your faith in me, and keeping me entertained with new songs everyday.


And to everyone else who has made my life one worth living. I love every single one of you.

I already know.. 11.25.

I know me. I know my patterns. I know my behaviors. I know my thoughts. I know my actions. I know my weakness. I know my strength. I know my problems. I know the solutions. I know the easy ways out. I know what scares me. I know what makes me smile. I know what makes me cry. But if know myself like i think i do, then why? why the hell do i think its ever going to be different? why do i think it might be completely unlike all the other times? maybe, i think, he's gonna see it. he'll se no one will ever love him like i do. no one will know what makes him tic, what makes him smile, what to say when he's mad, how he cant look people in the eye when he's upset, no one bill be as patient, as sweet, as forgiving, as kind, as open as right for him as i am. but he doesn't care. i'm just the backup, the bestfriend, the extra. I know i'm a beautiful person, i know i'm not worthless, i know i'm gonna find someone someday, but i want him to tell me that. i want him to see i'm a great person, or beautiful or smart. all my friends and family could say it a million times, but when he's says it, even if its a lie, it means the most. i really believe it. but i wonder why cant he see were perfect together? i just want him to be happy. forever happy. and i want to be that person to make him that way.

Nightmares. 11.24.

(frightening and disturbing.)

i can see it. every night it haunts me, tearing me from the inside. slowly injecting poison into the weakest part of my soul. it brings me to my knees and scolds my tender heart. it starts the same, ends the same.

i'm alone. in my room with 4 blank walls and a single bed in the middle of the room. I wake, and turn to see my surroundings. to my left, nothing. to my right, a shiny silver razor. i rise from the sheets and tiptoe as if it may disappear any second. i suddenly grow tired with every step and fall next to the blade. I grasp it with my right hand, and rise it slowly until the cold metal touches my tender wrist. the scars still remain. I see them. i press it, slowly, painfully, deeper and deeper, until the pain pierces through my body. the blood drips as i cry out into the emptiness. i want to stop, i'm happy now. i dont need this pain, i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. but even then, i press harder. Even as I write this I get the chills as I think back to all the empty nights filled with pain and regret. The tears streak my flustered cheeks and the walls grow red  with my blood and the smell of iron floods the room. I cry out again and again with no reply. I grow weary and before I wake, I hear the voice. His voice. "Your alone now. I've seen your hideous face one to many times. Suffer. Die. Regret. It's only what you deserve."

I'm happy now. I am. He's now a faint memory. Why? Why can't I let this go?

Passing Time. 11.23.

it doesnt make sense.

the bright light blinds me

and even when it fades, im stunned.

still trying to decipher.

understand.

comprehend.

why?

my lips tingle when he walks by.

my legs grow tired

my throat tightens.

i want to cry, let go.

let him catch it.

but im afraid.

im terrified.

i want him happy.

what if i cant do it?

but as the days pass

the clock tics by

inching along

the day is coming closer.

im almost gone.

what then?

will i regret never telling him?

will i regret never loving him?

questions.

my heart beats,

falls,

stops.

he looks at me, who does he see?

just me?

his bestfriend?

please, my angel,

let me love you.

Perfction. 11.10.

“Perfection is what we strive for” as many believe, but to be honest, why is it we crave to be something impossible? Perfection is a mere façade, hiding our imperfections. But in our everyday lives, being perfectly imperfect is what makes us ourselves; keeps us grounded and in a state of reality. Other wise, we might find ourselves lost in a world of judgment, lies and cheaters. I know how important perfection is to anyone, we all want to say and do the right thing, yet sometimes, being perfect may be what drives us to lose our own selves. There, is imperfection at its most. We go day to day and believe that perfection is possible and when its not achieved, things go even worse than before. I think and feel very strongly that even though striving for perfection can’t always be a good thing, there is always good in it. Maybe in our quest for perfection, we find out that flawlessness is found nowhere, except where we chose. And maybe, perfection is the least perfect thing of all.

oh my. 11.2.

I can't look away for a second. His deep chocolate eyes enchant me and take me to a place only to be described as ecstacy. He shines, brigter than any star in my night sky leaving me in complete awe at the sheer brilliance of his breath taking smile. My heart triples in speed and even forgets to beat when he glides across the room in a way not even the god of beauty can compare to. His lips, so pink and full, calling out to me as my soul weakens in desire. His hands, so warm and creased. I already know how perfectly my hand would fit, effortlessly finding the keyhes and completing the pattern. That darling button nose, placed easily on his flawless skin. Oh how his hair falls when he pushes it out of his face, taking place where it belongs as if trained and memorized by heart. Just one more chance, I think, just one more time. I want him, more than I have ever felt, I just want one kiss, one night. I just want him, and his arms around me. Just one more time. 

one last week. 10.7.

If you had one last week, how would you spend it? I ask myself this question every day hoping I can find an answer within myself. Here's what I think would be the best last week of my life;

Day One; I know its cheesy and all, but for everyones who been in my life and made an impact, they deserve to know what they did. I would spend this day writing a 2 page letter at least to everyone in my life who made an impact.
Even if it was a complete stranger, and they never got the letter, knowing I got it down on paper would make me happy enough.

Day Two; On this day, I would be giving back. I'd go into guatelupe and but groceries for families in need, donate my clothes to the homeless, pick up trash on the highway, work at a soup kitchen and help around the house for someone who needs to know they are loved. I would do as much as I could to give back for all the things others gave me in my time of need.

Day Three; I would be in Ohio and spend a day with all my familiy. With my dads side and my moms side, talking to old relatives, gaining wisdom. Giving a smile, talk to young cousins and let them know they're loved and they're all special in my heart. I'd play trains with the babies and read old books with my elders, talking and listening on end.

Day Four: I'd dedicate this day to my immediate family. My mommy and daddy, my brothers and my sister. I'd play leggos and watch pokemon with Noah, scratch chases back and play COD 5 with chase, talk and make songs that make no sense with daisy, paint my nails and got to meetings with my mom and make a video and go to the movies to critique movies with my dad. This day would be the most important, there people are my life and have given me everything.

Day Five; Today, I'd set asside everything for my friends. They'd forget their enemies and join for one last party with me. Wed laugh, take pictures, dance like we were on drugs and look back on the good years. This day would be all about friendship and loving eachother. No matter who I did or didn't like, everyone could be there so I could see their bright smiles one last time.

Day Six; I've always wanted to get married. So, today, I will. To Josh, I never stopped liking him in all truth. Wed go to where it was snowing and only my family would be there. It would be held in a small church in the middle of no where. I would be absolutely beautiful and when I walked in, his jaw would drop. I'd have my first kiss when we were wed and only want to share that with my husband. That night, at my reception, taylor swift would sing for my first dance with him. We would dance the night away and shove cake in each others faces and smile. That night, well..:) It has to happen sometime, and I insist on being married. We would talk ans kiss and watch scary movies and do whatever it is that would make us happy. I'd tell him everything and fall asleep in his arms.

Day Seven; My last day. Today I am spending alone. In my room with pictures and postcard and hotel keyes from my whole life. I'd look back and reflect on my life and see what were the best moments and the worst. I'd cry and smile and laugh and weep. I'd feel happiness, sorrow, joy, prosperity and wealth. Wealth being, I was rich in love and spirit. I would silently tell myspef I didn't waste not even one day. I would be happy. I lived such an amazing life and not regret one secind. I'd turn on my tv to food network, take my last vrath abd fall asleep for the last time.

Day Eight; I'm Gone.

him. 5.18.

I want him.
I want this.
So bad.
At my fingertips, but out of reach. Can taste him, and feel him.
Wanting.
Feelings posses my body.
I watch the rain.
Moving on is hard.
And the first person you fall for after a long heartache, is like a cushion.
They pick you up and dust you off.
You give yourself to them.
I am willing to give myself.
Sensation.
Filling my body, my lungs.
Can't breath, no air left.
Lust in his countenance.
Taking over.
My soul, mind.
Flooding my heart with happieness and an indiscribable feeling.
Something I haven't felt since ---
Heart pounding, clock ticking.
Waiting.
For the magic to happen.
Can't resist jumping.
Throw myself out there.
Vulnerable.
Trapped.
Running in endless circles.
Pleasures haunt me,
No escape.
My downfall;
Him.

forget. 5.8.

I can forget about him, about us, about everything. I can take off my locket and not crave fore its cold heart next to mine. I think of it as him, so sweet, gentle, warm, beautiful, always with me. But really, its cold. And when I take it off, I feel like he's leaving me alone. Until I realize, he already did. My locket is the only thing I can remember comforting me when he wanst there. He was never there though. It was all an illusion. Until I'm here, a skating rink, the movies, anywhere. I see two people holding hands and I remember his warm touch and how I got goosebumps everytime. Holding his hand, and feeling safe. Everyone elses hand, not even comparing. Holding on tight and laying ny head on his shoulder. Now its gone, and he's not coming back. The locket is supposed to come off, but I'm just not ready to let go.

Desperate. 5.2.

May be the perfect word to describe this feeling. Alone. Curious. Scared. Needy. Also words to describe this feeling. I want him to want me. I need to hear his voice, I need to see his face, I need to feel his warmth. Why do I fee incomplete without his approval? I feel unwhole; worthless is what it is. Am I desperate fore him? Or just desperate to be accepted, yet again?

hands. 5.1.

Floating hands on a waters surface. When you don't think of it, your hands floting on the surface are warm, relaxed. Like a blanket, firm, but unstable. But when you take even a second to think about it, you realize your flexing and straing you hands to keep bobbing and barely arise on the waters surface. Suddenly your upset by the effort your putting into your hands, oh so simply grazing the magnificent liquid and gravity takes over. Your hands sink, down, down, down. The cold and bittly icy water pierces every muscle and vain sending shock through your whole body allowing you to finally come to reality, the water is no play pin. The water is dangerous, unknowing, shaking, unforgiving.

This Utter Silence; 5.4.

this got published in a book, from may.

must i talk.
must we confront?
no; the utter silence speaks

must i feel.
must this pain endure?
no; the utter silence numbs.

must i see.
must i be cursed with your presence?
no; the utter silence blinds the pain.

must you laugh.
must you taunt my effort?
no; the utter silence hides you.

must we be.
must we have once been?
no; the utter silence forgets us.

must i listen to this.
must i hear your voice?
no; the utter silence overpowers.

must i want you.
must i want you endless times?
no; the utter silence shushes me.

must this go on,
must i be trapped in your eyes?
no; the utter silence rescues me.

the utter silence;
the utter silence;
its not working anymore.


this utter silence;
its screaming.
its screaming out to me.

this utter silence;
its wanting.
its wanting me to give it.

this utter silence;
its unforgiving.
its unforgiving and strikes me with hurt.

this utter silence;
its breaking.
its breaking down, im giving in.


this utter silence was quieted by the sound;
the sound of my heart beating;
my heart beating;
for you.
for you

help. 4.31.

this is also from april.

My heart is aching;
Slowly breaking;
Violently shaking;
Not hardly taking
What is making
This pain go away.
Him.

Love. 4.31.

this is really old. 4.31. is the date it was written.

It's. Not. Real. Its a fake emotion used to make people believe they're happy, when really, they aren't. Its a word to hide behind to tuck away any other life they ever had. It doesn't last of course, because sometime in someones life, they find out the mask isn't working. All they're problems come back, all their past is ready to haunt them. So they move on and "fall in love" again. Heart break, move on, perfect relationship, heart break and the cycle continues. There are no exceptions, there is no guy that's different. They can and will take over you, engulfing your system in them, and everything THEY want making you believe their hapieness is yours. Lies. Guys are controlling and hurtful. They lie, constantly, then lie about lying. Then they leave you, hanging by a thread dangling above a shark pit, about to drop. What you once though was your super hero, turned out to be your super villan. Cutting the final string and chuckling as they watch you fall to your painful and disturbing death. Only to move on the the next damsel in distress, killing her as well, taking a piece of each woman to show the battle they fought, and won. We give them our hearts and they return them, bitterly, sourly, torn, hurt, spit on, laughed at and half gone. They're whole, while the rest of our lives, something is missing. We give everything so easily, to, in return, gain nothing but heart break and 5 pounds from finishing off all the chocolate in the house. The pain I have put myself through, the lies I've told to others and most importantly myself. I should have known, love. It's. Not. Real.